22

Happiest day ever!

My Mom went to our place and surprised me on my birthday! She brought food, of course, and stayed there the whole day. It meant a lot to me coz she lives sooooo far from us and she made that extra effort to come on my birthday and make it rrrrreaaaaaalllllyyyyy special! She mentioned she kept on thinking about me the night before my birthday, and I just didn't tell her, but I was awfully sad that night. Was constantly thinking about what I really want in life, what I am in, what I want to happen, what can't happen, the things I should and should not do. They just kept filling my head and I couldn't rest my mind. Guess the mother-child connection shall always be there....

Then my aunt tried to contact me. She needed to tell me about my uncle's death. I was touched that she tried to reach me about this, coz she and I have not been speaking for a very long time. So I gave her a call and she greeted me, told me the details, and we eventually patched things up. Love....Peace - what great gifts!

There are days when I feel so down that I just want to fade away. But that day, I am just so glad I kept on holding on. :-)

I was browsing some of the profiles of the people in my Friendster network and I saw this. It is a very inspiring writing about a woman I deem as realistic, reflective, and empowering - a woman I wish I could be like some day.

I love life and try to grasp every part of it as much as I can, immersing myself in every situation, involving myself in every person I meet, sometimes too much that I lose myself, or risk too much that it hurts.

****
I will tell you that there have been no failures in my life. I don't want to sound like some metaphysical queen, but there have been no failures. There have been some tremendous lessons....

..... and I've learned to keep myself reserved for those things that are deserving of my attention. I don't get distracted by or caught up in things that are not edifying or uplifting to myself or to those in my world. I keep my affection closely guarded and never freely tosses them to the wind. I've soar above negativity and other people's trivial opinions. I know where I'm going and what I want. I mind my own business. I know who I am and I understand my worth.
****

Big wishes for a very prosperous new year ahead!

As I look back at how 2004 started and ended, I am very thankful that in spite of some disappointing moments every now and then, overall it's all good this year.

One important lesson learned - life is not perfect, so don't expect it to be. Don't require too much from yourself and others, and learn to accept whatever unplanned event comes your way. Trust that there is a very good reason why something happened. And instead of feeling frustrated, try to be patient and flexible to the changes that you have not prepared for. After all, nothing good will happen if you let the bad vines set in.

A lot of times I have cried this year, and a lot of times I have felt like giving up. But it's good that once in my life I made a tremendous mistake and realized how much a moment of vulnerability could result to a very disastrous period. I am very lucky to have had a chance to heal and allow another to heal. Not so many people have this chance. Thank You for giving me this blessing.

Because of this mistake, I have learned self-control. Many times I have been tempted but every time, I had refused to give in - sometimes even hurting while doing so. Consequences are things to be strongly considered. Freedom is already mine, but is the one sculpting my future. As I sacrifice the immediate pleasures that came my way, I have strengthened the foundations of a better future.

2004 ended well, and hopefully 2005 will be an even better year!

You always have 2 options: be happy where you are, knowing that you have better fate than other people, or seek to improve, as you compare yourself with others who are more successful. Either way, it’s hard to be happy.

It ‘s so ironic to see myself as being both optimistic and cynical right now. I know that I used to be a very content person, counting my blessings and looking forward to more happy days. But as I live among “achievers” who disregard content and aim to constantly be at par with the winners, I feel compelled to do the same.

Funny how writing about this actually makes me feel silly to be allowing other people change the way I am. The real me does not really aim at ambition. I am actually of very simple dreams – being at peace and in harmony with my family and friends, seeing and creating beauty, loving and being loved, relying on faith and hope to survive. Too idealistic and romantic, you might think. But that is how I am.

For a very long time now, I have been feeling depressed. Then as I try and reflect on how I am feeling, I realize that I am depressed because I am not living my life the way I want it to be. Beyond concession, I am actually sacrificing more than I actually should. I am sacrificing myself to the point that I am no longer being myself. This is the reason why I am always extremely excited, amused, emotional – immersing myself to the fullest. This is my attempt to be what I am and do what I want. Because my roles as a mother, as a partner, as a friend, as anything – keep me from being what I need to be to be happy.

I have heard and read so many times that a person needs to realize who she is and follow her passion to be happy. I remember how I used to be happy then when I was in that part of my life when I am supposed to feel my worst. But now that I am away from my past, living with my own family that I expect to give me the feeling of content, peace, and love, I find myself feeling worn out, inadequate, abused, misunderstood, taken for granted, and cheated. In spite of having good days, I constantly get these feelings and I cannot accept why my home-sweet-home is not as sweet as it should be. And just when I am about to feel bad about how I am being treated, I realize that I am being treated this way probably because I do not spend enough time with them. It used to be a lot different before. But when I started “getting busy” I started to unconsciously drift away. I was too engrossed in doing what I am expected to do that I forgot to live – to enjoy life, love, laugh, open up. I became too tired to actually do the more important things.

- Exercise - at least walk 3x a week, do some stretches and kicks
- Keep the green tea!
- Refrain from speaking negatively at home
- Have a passion to look forward to
- Cleanse and moisturize! Take care of my skin!
- Try and take things lightly
- Be on time
- Swim!

Now that I am married and with kids, working and doing chores at home, facing more responsibilities and challenges, it is so easy to sink in to panic, frustration, and depression. Sometimes I miss the good ol’ days, when my problems were not as difficult, and when I had my dad to turn to for advice (and most importantly, money). Now it’s just me and husband, and a lot of times we were faced with problems that seemed impossible to solve.

They say, God does not give you challenges you can’t handle. Well, this is so not true.

But here’s something I believe to be true – cast your burdens upon Him…and He will give you rest. Yup, sorry for bringing religion into the subject, but this is something that helped me and family cope for 2 years now. With all the evolution going on, science and education having all the steps laid to find the optimal solution, I have grown to think that every problem should be faced with a step-by-step problem solving technique. This may be true in business, but in real life where not all the resources are available and very few people are able to invest, this process is not at all user-friendly.

As I struggle to solve our problems, I often find myself tired of thinking and trying. And since I have always regarded God as my friend, father, savior, and protector, I never forgot to ask for His help. And He never failed to help. It may not always be the answer I was asking for, but it was always an answer that gave me peace of mind.

That’s why I want to take advantage of this opportunity – now that I am sane enough to reflect and realize all that I need to handle all the stress that comes to me.

1. Breathe.
2. Drink water.
3. Try to divert your attention by watching TV or going out.
4. Discuss the problem with my husband. Never keep the problem-solving to myself
5. Try to stay calm.
6. Continue the routine at home and with the kids. Focus on this and try not to burden myself with the problem while I am keeping my schedule.
7. Love and pamper myself! Beautify, unwind, have sex, shop!
8. Be open-minded to possibilities.
9. Never lose faith!
10. Don’t forget that problems are not and should never be a reason to be distant or arrogant.

Funny how some of these reminders are so simple and obvious. But in reality, when a not-so-pleasant surprise comes along, even the simplest action - such as breathing well – becomes a complicated task.

So there. Hopefully, I’d get to master the art of handling stress and problems as I go along…

Grabe, today I just proved to myself that I should never be afraid to ask! Kasi naman, with all the pressure and tension with --- parang ayoko na syang kausapin, especially when it comes to the fucking attendance issue. Per parang talagang inaasar ako ng tadhana e. Imagine, just a few days after the crying scenes e eto na naman! D na naman ako pwedeng pumasok! Well, buti na lang at nagkaroon ng blessing/divine intervetion/good luck at napagbigyan din ako. Whew! Kala ko hot seat na naman e.

For people struggling for something, it's so easy to be intimidated. And I almost got to be one of these. And I guess it's good that I am very open and straightforward about what I need and what I have to do. Made him understand. And even better - made him put that understaing into action. Salamat naman!

Hope to see better days. Tang ina, yoko nang sumakit dibdib ko no!