22

Sometimes it seems that ending it is the answer, the ultimate solution to having peace and happiness, freedom even. But when I reminisce the better days, when all is romantic and there were no worries, just endless dreams of a future with him, I always get that feeling that it is all worth taking another chance.....

***

There are times when I just want to look at your face
With the stars in the night
There are times when I just want to feel your embrace
In the cold night
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

All those years I've longed to hold you in my arms
I've been dreaming of you
Every night I've been watching all the stars that fall down
Wishing you will be mine now
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

Time and again there are these changes
That we cannot end
As sure as time keeps going on and on
My love for you will be forevermore

I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world

As endless as forever
Our love will stay together
You are all I need to be with forevermore

As endless as forever(forever)
Our love will stay together(together)
You are all I need to be with forevermore

When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength
I'll give you hope
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call
Was standing here all along

Chorus
And I will take you in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you

I've loved you forever
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow
Forever has now begun

Chorus

Just close your eyes
Each lovin' day
And know this feeling won't go away
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
Over and over I fall
When I hear you call
Without you in my life, baby
I just wouldn't be living at all

Chorus

And I will take you in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you, baby
Just close your eyes
Each lovin' day
And know this feeling won't go away
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
I promise you

You always have 2 options: be happy where you are, knowing that you have better fate than other people, or seek to improve, as you compare yourself with others who are more successful. Either way, it’s hard to be happy.

It ‘s so ironic to see myself as being both optimistic and cynical right now. I know that I used to be a very content person, counting my blessings and looking forward to more happy days. But as I live among “achievers” who disregard content and aim to constantly be at par with the winners, I feel compelled to do the same.

Funny how writing about this actually makes me feel silly to be allowing other people change the way I am. The real me does not really aim at ambition. I am actually of very simple dreams – being at peace and in harmony with my family and friends, seeing and creating beauty, loving and being loved, relying on faith and hope to survive. Too idealistic and romantic, you might think. But that is how I am.

For a very long time now, I have been feeling depressed. Then as I try and reflect on how I am feeling, I realize that I am depressed because I am not living my life the way I want it to be. Beyond concession, I am actually sacrificing more than I actually should. I am sacrificing myself to the point that I am no longer being myself. This is the reason why I am always extremely excited, amused, emotional – immersing myself to the fullest. This is my attempt to be what I am and do what I want. Because my roles as a mother, as a partner, as a friend, as anything – keep me from being what I need to be to be happy.

I have heard and read so many times that a person needs to realize who she is and follow her passion to be happy. I remember how I used to be happy then when I was in that part of my life when I am supposed to feel my worst. But now that I am away from my past, living with my own family that I expect to give me the feeling of content, peace, and love, I find myself feeling worn out, inadequate, abused, misunderstood, taken for granted, and cheated. In spite of having good days, I constantly get these feelings and I cannot accept why my home-sweet-home is not as sweet as it should be. And just when I am about to feel bad about how I am being treated, I realize that I am being treated this way probably because I do not spend enough time with them. It used to be a lot different before. But when I started “getting busy” I started to unconsciously drift away. I was too engrossed in doing what I am expected to do that I forgot to live – to enjoy life, love, laugh, open up. I became too tired to actually do the more important things.

Look at me
I will never pass for
a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play
this part?
Now I see
that if I were truly
to be myself
I would break my
family's heart

Who is that girl I see
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?

- Exercise - at least walk 3x a week, do some stretches and kicks
- Keep the green tea!
- Refrain from speaking negatively at home
- Have a passion to look forward to
- Cleanse and moisturize! Take care of my skin!
- Try and take things lightly
- Be on time
- Swim!

Now that I am married and with kids, working and doing chores at home, facing more responsibilities and challenges, it is so easy to sink in to panic, frustration, and depression. Sometimes I miss the good ol’ days, when my problems were not as difficult, and when I had my dad to turn to for advice (and most importantly, money). Now it’s just me and husband, and a lot of times we were faced with problems that seemed impossible to solve.

They say, God does not give you challenges you can’t handle. Well, this is so not true.

But here’s something I believe to be true – cast your burdens upon Him…and He will give you rest. Yup, sorry for bringing religion into the subject, but this is something that helped me and family cope for 2 years now. With all the evolution going on, science and education having all the steps laid to find the optimal solution, I have grown to think that every problem should be faced with a step-by-step problem solving technique. This may be true in business, but in real life where not all the resources are available and very few people are able to invest, this process is not at all user-friendly.

As I struggle to solve our problems, I often find myself tired of thinking and trying. And since I have always regarded God as my friend, father, savior, and protector, I never forgot to ask for His help. And He never failed to help. It may not always be the answer I was asking for, but it was always an answer that gave me peace of mind.

That’s why I want to take advantage of this opportunity – now that I am sane enough to reflect and realize all that I need to handle all the stress that comes to me.

1. Breathe.
2. Drink water.
3. Try to divert your attention by watching TV or going out.
4. Discuss the problem with my husband. Never keep the problem-solving to myself
5. Try to stay calm.
6. Continue the routine at home and with the kids. Focus on this and try not to burden myself with the problem while I am keeping my schedule.
7. Love and pamper myself! Beautify, unwind, have sex, shop!
8. Be open-minded to possibilities.
9. Never lose faith!
10. Don’t forget that problems are not and should never be a reason to be distant or arrogant.

Funny how some of these reminders are so simple and obvious. But in reality, when a not-so-pleasant surprise comes along, even the simplest action - such as breathing well – becomes a complicated task.

So there. Hopefully, I’d get to master the art of handling stress and problems as I go along…

Last night I watched what I think is the 2nd to the last episode of Sex and the City. So sad, coz the characters have evolved so much that I no longer enjoyed it. The excitement, humor, and light lifestyle was no longer there. What's even more depressing is that for a few months I wasn't able to watch the series coz we didn't have cable! Lost a lot! :-(

Funny coz I felt the "age-ing" factor last night. As I saw the characters having evolved, I saw how this might be mirroring my own evolution. As they grow from singles who party all weeklong and have their lunches/breakfasts almost everyday, indulging in clothes and men (see how clothes and men have the same status), plus the shoes nga pala hehe, they now show more seriousness in life, having more stable relationships, taking on new opportunities that involve their partners.

I'm not really aching to realize that I am aging as these women aged, but it's really kinda depressing that something that has been part of your routine, something that you find amusing, will eventually end.

Sorry for the sentiments, but sometimes I get scared when I see these things happen. What if you can't find something at least at par to what you have?

Guess I'll have to quote Carrie as I try to calm myself: "It's time to stop questioning and live your life" Mukhang di yata exact, pero it's something like that. Hay....

Grabe, today I just proved to myself that I should never be afraid to ask! Kasi naman, with all the pressure and tension with --- parang ayoko na syang kausapin, especially when it comes to the fucking attendance issue. Per parang talagang inaasar ako ng tadhana e. Imagine, just a few days after the crying scenes e eto na naman! D na naman ako pwedeng pumasok! Well, buti na lang at nagkaroon ng blessing/divine intervetion/good luck at napagbigyan din ako. Whew! Kala ko hot seat na naman e.

For people struggling for something, it's so easy to be intimidated. And I almost got to be one of these. And I guess it's good that I am very open and straightforward about what I need and what I have to do. Made him understand. And even better - made him put that understaing into action. Salamat naman!

Hope to see better days. Tang ina, yoko nang sumakit dibdib ko no!

One of my feel-good-songs. Makes me fall in love everytime!

COLORBLIND

D
Feeling blue,
G D A
When I try to forget the feeling that I miss you.
D
Feeling green,
G D A
When jealousy swells and it won't go away in dreams.

Bm
Feeling yellow,
G
I'm confused inside.
A Bm
A little hazy but mellow
G A
Then I feel your eyes on me.

D
Feeling fine,
Sublime.
G A D
When that smile of yours creeps into my mind.
G..........A

Chorus:
D G A
Nobody told me it feels so good.
D G A
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful.
D G A
Nobody warned me about your smile.
Bm
Your the light(2x),
G
When I close my eyes,
A D
I'm colorblind.
G A D
You make me colorblind.

the next part continues like this, then-

Middle 8:
Bm
Blinded by the light you shine,
G A
The color fades completely.
Bm
Blinded by you everytime,
G A
I feel your smile defeat me.
Bm
I'm colorblind,
G
I just can't define,
Bm
This feeling...
G.......A

Chorusx2

Today was both good and bad. We had a Christmas Party, won the dance competition (2nd Place), and relatively got good support and feedback from my peers. I enjoyed the event, the company of friends, and saw the other side of people I work with that I do not normally see at the workplace.

But...